We’re on a sail boat in the Caribbean Sea, off the shore of Vieques, the day is windy and the water is a little choppy. It’s a beautiful day for sailing and I’m surrounded by the best of humans, starting with Andy. The plan is to sail a bit then stop at a reef and snorkel for awhile.
As we approach the reef Captain John begins to talk about it being an “intermediate day” for snorkeling. Basically, if you aren’t a strong swimmer or are just learning to snorkel, then maybe today isn’t the day. My anxiety starts to elevate.
May of 2020, this wouldn’t even have given me pause. I’ve snorkeled before, in the Caribbean Sea, just miles south of where we are today. But today I’m questioning if I can do this? I’m questioning my strength in my new body, because that is how it feels at times, like a new body, learning again. Or maybe an old body, older than it should be. Either way, it’s scaring me.
Then I remember that all-important mantra, the thing you focus on is the thing that happens. Sure I can be scared, so scared that I choose to stay on the boat and not see this rare reef and its inhabitants. I even pictured what that would feel like. Not so bad, rum drink in hand, sitting on the bow of the boat, watching others….being really jealous and sorry I didn’t try. So I looked at Andy and said, “I can do this, right”. He locked eyes with me and said, “yes, you absolutely can.”
So I did!
And it was wonderful, peaceful, amazing! We saw some very cool things, including the poetry in motion of our Guide at one with the sea and its reef, sharing it with others. It was FUN and it reminded me what my body is capable of doing. Reminded me of the person I was. Reminded me that I am still me.
As I emerged, an hour later from the sea, with Andy and our friends, I was elated and inspired to find my way back. To take back control of my life. To stop being a victim and start being a leader. To come back to my self-mastery. To reconnect with my BLV.
As I type it, I know it’s harder than just that. Of course it is. I still struggle with treatment as a regular part of my weeks. I am not a year past my last hospitalization. I feel the effects of MOG and Chordoma daily. Daily. Yet I think I’ve found some head space, that I can begin to rebuild. I hope.
I’ve been working on a daily meditation to help me stay focused:
I am Healthy and Strong, I am Patient and Wise, I am Focused and In-Control, I am Inspired, Capable and Motivated to live my BigLifeVision.
What are you doing to focus right now? How are you finding your way in these challenging times, because there is no doubt that we are all in challenging times. How are you connecting to your vision? How can I help?
Thanks for your transparency. I think we all face fears but most of us are to full of fear to share them, to look vulnerable or imperfect. You inspire a lot of strength for me and I am sure many others. Keep moving forward. We are in your wake.
I am so proud of you and inspired by you. Thanks for sharing your outlook and your positivity. Also, thanks for sharing that wonderful trip. I’m so happy that it was all that you had hoped for. It was much needed. I love you!
…and you can add to your mantra “I am a inspiring rolemodel and a wonderful amazing friend.” ’cause you R.